What Lexi Says...

 

“I’ll go to my grave swearing I never posed topless for those pictures. The modeling job was a catalog shoot for a new swimwear company, and I was wearing a nude-colored bathing suit. Someone must have Photoshopped in the nipples.”


“Before things turned sour we had a great sex life, or good sex life, depending which one of us is doing the telling. I say “great,” because Richard is very giving, and he’d say “good,” because I’m not.”


 “According to the experts, Kegels are one of the few exercises you can do anywhere, anytime, and no one can tell. A total crock. You know darn well when someone is doing Kegels. The look on their face says it all. It takes almost as much concentration to do a Kegel as it does to rub your stomach and pat your head at the same time.”


 “The rational part of me knew there was a strong chance I wasn’t insane. Insanity has never been aTaylortrait: crooked teeth, chronic sinusitis, and perpetual tardiness—yes. Insanity? No.”


 “Girls, when you get your bikini line lasered, or waxed, or threaded, or whatever it is you’re doing these days, make sure you at least leave a modest landing strip. Otherwise, when you get to be my age, you’ll be forced to shop at Wanda’s Wig World on Sunset for artificial pubic hair to cover your aging private parts.”


“How those bozos could confuse me with a professional hooker was mind-boggling. Could they not tell a two hundred dollar haircut when they saw one? What hooker sports a two hundred dollar haircut? For that matter, what hooker wears tennis shoes to work? Or a bikini? My outfit was more Girls Gone Wild meets LA Lakers than streetwalker.”

 

“From now on, I needed to stick with guys closer to my own age. Guys who wouldn’t need an explanation why a woman in her fifties carries around two tubes of hemorrhoid cream in her purse: one marked “eyes” and the other marked “rectum.”
 

“There are some conversations you don’t want to have, sitting in a chair, six inches away from a handsome doctor, while wearing an unflattering outfit, paper shoes on your feet, and without the benefit of a supportive bra. Especially ones where the words “sex” and “animals” occur in the same sentence.”
 

“How do you explain to someone, that through no fault of your own, a once reasonable woman with a career and a family becomes a whack-job lunatic who made more poor choices than an aging child actor looking for a reality TV show?”

 

 “Pole dancing is waaaay harder than you think. Juggling is a piece of cake compared to the things a stripper has to do to a pole.”
 

“Shrinks must become the sum total of all the crap their patients throw at them year after year; human sponges soaking up all the angst and tortured psyches of the sick and damaged. Twist a shrink and they ooze all kinds of disgusting vile.”

 

“Happy endings only happen in fairy tales, and until they were raided, at The Double Dragon massage parlor over on Waverly.”

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